God, I really hate myself.

No. Wait. That's probably not a good way start out a rant. I don't want to come across as 'emo' or whatever else you might label teenage angst. I want you to hate me as much as I hate me. Don't get me wrong. I had a really good day today. I'm in a great mood! I'm just a disgusting person.

To set the background, my mother quit her job about three days ago. That in itself is a mixed bag. Her job was way too stressful and I never got to see her because of it. However, it was our only source of income.

My family's been struggling with money for several years now. And me? I still have to have all the luxury an upper middle class kid from California would need. All those shiny video games? I got 'em. I spend about $50+ a month on things I don't need. Although, I don't get new clothes very often (maybe a $10 shirt every couple of months?) and I don't eat lunch usually. Somehow thinking that in some way makes up for my behavior seems as equally shameful as my behavior.

It's not just the little things either. $24,000 a year plus buying two laptops in two years for my school, all because public school "wasn't the right environment" for me. If I wasn't so fucking retarded maybe I could afford to buy lunch every now and again. No, no.

These big things don't just come from education! Oh, no! I spent more than $600 last summer on a trip that I regret more than treasure. Sure, I could rationalize that it was nice to be with my friends. It was nice to get away and have at least something of a fun vacation for summer. But oh, ho! I spent $1,200+ on dolls! Dolls! Aesthetic pieces of resin and Korean craftsmanship. I'm seriously thinking about selling Kazuya and Youko, my two smaller of the three dolls I currently own.

Don't think I'm that bad yet? You haven't heard the reason for my rant yet!! I want another of these pieces of charming plastic. Did you see my little false haikus? As cute and humorous as those were meant to be, they do reflect at least somewhat my true feelings. I want a Dollshe Saint. I want St. Remiel 'Doc' Chopin. Why do I deserve a $700 doll? I don't.

At this point you may be thinking, "Why don't you just find yourself a job, you fucking whiny asstard?" There's a simple answer to that question. Time and energy.

I'm at school for more than 36 hours a week, plus 15 hours a week commuting back and forth, not to mention whatever time I spend pulling myself off the floor and doing homework. There are 168 hours in a week. Presuming I spend an average of 7 hours sleeping a night (although, in reality it's loads more than that), that's 49 hours I spend sleeping weekly. All of that combined is exactly 100 hours (don't ask how it randomly came to such a perfect amount. Stroke of luck, I guess). This number does not include time spent eating, grooming, taking care of bodily functions, etc. because I have no idea of figuring that aside from actually doing a scientific test over a course of several weeks. Since I can guess I spend about a combined hour a day grooming, I'll just say that's about 7 hours a week to add to the list. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at here is that I have less than 60 hours a week in free time. With everything left unaccounted for, I'm going to say that I probably have about 50 hours of free time in a whole week. If I delegated half of that time to purely social matters, it would give me 25 hours for whatever else held my attention. Television, internet, books, being lazy.

In short, I have -7 hours to work in a week. That's pretty fucking lame.

Ahahahaha. That was just the time part! You're not done yet! I haven't even talked about the energy my schedule takes! School is the most tiring thing ever. I get really good grades (in my opinion, at any rate). I do extra-curricular activities. I'm the first person to whom the administrators turn to when they need someone to show a kid around the school. I keep friends at school, even if I don't like them! I don't get home until 5:30 and then go to sleep at 7 o'clock.

Above all else, I make excuses. I can't work, I don't have enough time. I can't work, I don't have enough energy. I can't work, no one wants me. I can't work, I'm useless. Fuck, I'd be a stripper if I weren't so goddamned ugly and didn't look stupid dancing. I've even tried to sell my boobs to friends.

To sum up this huge-ass rant, I'm poor and I'm an asstard. I've often thought about asking for donations via PayPal like webcomic artists do, but it's not as if I've ever made anything anyone liked. This whole rant took me over an hour of precious free time to write. I'm not in a great mood anymore. I'm going to bed now.

Do you hate me yet?

PS: In case you were wondering about the title of this, it was from a dream I had once. Someone asked me if I was "militaristic", to which I replied that I was Buddhist. In case you were wondering, I am Buddhist. But I'm the kind of Buddhist that does anything he wants and simply justifies it by quoting scriptures. Oh, wait. I think that makes me Christian. At least being Buddhist gives me an easy way to explain to people why I don't eat meat.

PPS: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. DID YOU JUST READ ALL THAT DRIBBLE? You, sir or madam, amaze me. Also, you have my condolences for the time you've just wasted.